Celebrations and lists!
You may have noticed or not! I’ve gone off grid, off piste, off social, off into a privacy place. It started a while ago, beginning of 2021 with the 12 squares and now it’s going into every aspect of our life - for a wee while, for some moments, for some reality checks, for some private thoughts and recollections.
This puncture in the private moment is a TRIPLE joy, a treble celebration of my birthday - entering my 51st year and our 12th wedding anniversary and our 1st year in the farm . This triple event is so important for me as I fought age, marriage and moving -vehemently for a long while. When all I had been missing out on was the great stuff.
As I enter my 51st year
My birthday is a triple celebration with it is my wedding anniversary and the move to The Glen. This triple joy I get to reflect on what I’ve achieved as me and as part of one of my partnership with Dave. As I enjoy the perfectly formed weekend, quiet, private, calm, safe and in my all time happy place - home.
Lifelong learning
I’ve learned many things and have so much more to learn and do better.
Belief
I truly believe that I (we) can do and achieve anything if I believe in, I never doubt that I can. I do not doubt myself, my skill or capability not ego or arrogance just a quiet sense of self and self belief and that has taken a long time to achieve aided by the example of my husband Dave who still to this day I find one of his best qualities his inner sense of self belief - we’ve achieved our goals and continue to with this self awareness of belief.
Resilience
Remember human resilience and grit are part of us and we only reach the depths of your resilience and how far we can go when we need too. You are more resilient than you will ever know.
Swearing
The one family member that truly impacted me is my grandmother (Nana) and she was a true wordsmith and bibliophile. I love all things books and words. I am aware for many that swearing is uncouth or lacks intellect - for me it’s expression and one singular word encompasses that for me. I love the word fuck (which I never heard her use ever!?!) it is one of my favourite and still covers many an option when needed and remains a well used word in my 51 years.
Drink
Drink is never a solution after many years of high functioning drunkenness my sobriety 3 years have been the best I’ve ever had and I remain committed to the focus it’s brought me. It’s personal and relevant to me and I have enjoyed, remembered and nurture every sober moment.
In a rather self indulgent way I’ve written my own list of what the A reflection on what the year (and 51 years) have shown me.
My 51 List
Gratitude is never monetary it’s moments, breaths, micro parts of life , being able to have moments - those small passing touch moments are the ones I am most grateful for.
You are and always are enough in the moment. Moments are fleeting and each one creates a new part of you embrace them.
Marriage is hard work, daily effort, a time investment and about wanting the other not needing them. Marriage is what you choose it to be. Marriage is about talking about everything honestly, openly and with love- always with love. You can disagree, fall out, argue always with love at its heart.
We can change any thought we choose to - you own them
Family is a choice - you choose them. No family is perfect or normal. No family has the right to lie, deny or abuse you. You choose not them.
Allow people to be themselves - always. You don’t need to like anyone ;except yourself- you choose who you spend time with. Respect people always.
Judgement is easy, being non judgmental is harder yet the only way to be
Assumption is deadly and toxic
Other people’s truths are just that their truth. Other people’s experience are just that their experience. You can have the same experience with someone and it’s still different for each of you. Remember that.
What someone thinks of you is not your business
People let you down all the time, people disappointment is part of life the goal is to accept it, deal with it , move on
You never know what someone is dealing with
Absence is a choice
Age is a treasure, treating it that way is essential
Your body is amazing doing what it does each day- celebrate it as it is not wasting time on what it’s not
World within you us more important than the external world
Life is a social construct therefore you have complete control and choice on what you choose it be
Difficult people are fighting their battles unless your invited to join that fight shut up
Asking for permission to share your opinion is the only way to share it
Taking about others behind their backs us futile and toxic to you not them
Action is effort, no action is effort. Put the effort in and you get what you choose
You can do anything you want - the only restriction is yourself
Nobody is better than you, what they are is skilled in different things than you, have different life experiences, competent in something your not, might think better thoughts, do and take action, choose to take action or not.- not better.
Thinking your better than others damages you no one else - “they” don’t care
Everyone lives to their agenda not yours you live to that
Stop saying stupid shit and say what you actually mean
Lies take as much effort as the truth so tell the truth
Anything is as difficult as you choose it to be
Learn stuff, read books and then read more books Never stop reading books and learning stuff.
Before you have an opinion find out all the facts (stop sharing social media facts without checking them learning about them and finding out opposing viewpoints- learn other perspectives)
Stop thinking you know how life is going to be - we are all making it up as we go along
Exercise and move your body everyday - we are not made to sit and do nothing or we soiled be sloths
Understand people by asking questions, finding out, researching, learning, you don’t need to understand all just educate yourself better
Travel more
Travel and find out about the area you love, thee trees, the house, it’s history, walk every street in your town, know about it.
Make an effort - Send a card you don’t even have to walk to the post box you can do it from your phone
Give first always
If your removing negativity from your life now why and stop avoiding the truth - tell people why
Know your personal values and beliefs - as in own them don’t have someone else’s. Know yourself, really who and what you are not what you think or want to be. Actually who you are right now
If you want something do something about it - stop talking, judging, moaning and belittling others . Do it or shut up.
Grandchildren are not your children so follow their parents rules and wants not your own
Your home is your home so have your rules - it’s your safe space - treat others homes as they treat them
Know and Set your boundaries - if you cross them you give permission for others to do as well and know them, live them and change them for you not for others
Save your money - 1/3 rule - spend a third, save a third have a third in your account
Buy the best quality you can.buy once. Stop duplication of anything or task.
Stop buying stuff. Stuff doesn’t create happiness just clutters your life. Remove clutter, have less. Appreciate more what you have and not what you don’t
Use the 24 hour rule - before your buy, challenge, change your mind give it 24 hours .if you want or feel the same 24 hours later do it.
Scare yourself, be uncomfortable, do different stuff, do a new sport, read books on subjects you know or don’t agree with, grow everyday. Never stop learning. You will never know enough information ever. You will never know anything really.
Learn and collect art. Any art. Art is personal and private. Visit museums and art galleries, learn art history. Appreciate others creativity in all its forms
Learn to cook.
Turn up. Most don’t make effort. Turn up. Be present or accept that you don’t care enough.
Can you ever have enough lists? I love a list and could have kept going on this 51 list so I reflected then on what marriage means to me - noting my POV
If you have doubts you will find the reasons and you find fault. If doubt exists find out why- doubts are not love.
Talk and then talk more. Small talk in marriage is the big talk. Communication is critical. Neither of you are telepathic, neither of you knows each other (ever) enough to know what you maybe thinking. Talking is connection, talking is being interested. Talking shares care and understanding- talking is learning about each other no matter how long you’ve been together
Honesty is boundaried and also dishonest as we are not honest with ourselves and if we shared every internal honest thought we would all be single. So accept that honesty is truthfulness that you choose to share. Not every thought.
Respect your other person, respect their thoughts, moods, idiosyncrasies, humour, actions- respect by saying and recognising the good and also asking about the things you maybe uncertain about
You are going to have moments: times of annoyance, frustration, impatience and disagreement these moments are essential as they allow you to recognise that your differences are the reasons you are together not your similarities
Embrace that you do not need to like your partners family friends as you didn’t fall in love with them ( and they not yours either) you must respect the relationships they have and had.
The past is the past and the reality is the moments you live now together in the marriage are the ones that matter. If fear or sadness are in previous relationships they do not need to exist in your marriage unless you give them permission too. You choose.
Disagreeing and arguing is healthy and works only when you have vulnerability and intimacy in all other parts of your marriage -physically verbal and personal intimacy
The last words you say are the ones that you pick up the next conversation with - be precious with your words. Words are weapons and can hurt deeply.
Apologise if you are wrong and even when you may not feel you are if you’ve hurt the one you love and if you do love them say sorry.
Touch is essential, touch is not just physical intimacy it’s the act of intimacy. Touch releases oxytocin that gives us a natural boost (17 touches a day is required supposedly) yet it does more than that, it’s connection. Those passing touches are the ones that you remember, that hug, that kiss, that stroke, those touch moments can make a marriage.
Want your partner not need them. You are your own person. Capable of independence and competent to self sustain. Marriage is built on the want to be with the other not a need.
My marriage is means so much to me, my 15 years (1/4 of my life) with Dave have seen me grow, change, nurture myself and see myself through my own eyes.