Okay this is how it is. I read A LOT. I am on this cycle of learning, have been for over a decade now and it hasn’t stopped. I want to be better at being me. This is a purely selfish venture. I spent a lot of my life drunk, or dimissisive, or lying to myself, or living through other peoples lenses (be it work or family). So past decade has been me being me.

Thats 1/5, that’s a measly 10% of my life doing, being me, or at least finding who I am.

Not that long, 10% , however I can see I can shift the overall balance to at least 60% of my overall life and that makes me instantly more satisfied.

So in light of this one way I am going to do me better ,for me, Is live journaling, blogging, writing, rambling, scrawling. Everyday for the next 365 days (or more), I am going to write and post everyday. Now this maybe a sentence, a thought, a moment, a tome, a novelesque blog. It may be a word. I have no idea. This is for me and if you are reading it then hopefully you can get something from it too- maybe not? I hope so, although not the driver of the action. Better me for me, means doing. Being persistent and consistent for me means I will be better even if it’s’ just some grammar, writing, structure, content, words, something will improve.

Persistent and consistent creates better.

I have told myself for so bloody long many a myth, which have created my beliefs, that made my internal dialogue, impacted my behaviour , my attitude and then my actual life. My myths have been (this is not an exhaustive list)

• I am not good enough

• I don’t like small talk

• I don’t like people

• I don’t like structure and routine

• I don’t need to be liked

• I don’t need love, care, attention

• I despise recognition

• I am an unlikeable person

• I am a shite friend

• I am a bad mother

• I am rubbish at doing stuff (literally stuff could be anything)

• I am a pessimist

• I forget things

• I don’t like exercise

• I don’t’ care about my health- what will be will be

• I don’t get or don’t have faith

• I have no beliefs ( well this is off as all the above are!?!)

• I don’t need to celebrate events

• I don’t care about money

• I listen really well

A few things have happened recently that have quashed pretty much every single one of these ridiculous beliefs, and I can see that this self imposed, self critique is a veneer, a barrier, a protective suit of armour so that I can deal with loss, sadness, fear, insecurity, issues, conflict, challenge and that it becomes a self fulfilling cycle.

Negativity after all is contagious, as is positivity.

Yet only focussing on the negative , limiting beliefs, and self deprecating thoughts mean I was swimming through mud of negativity and creating it too. Drink was my biggest limiting belief , that I needed, wanted, desired, and MUST have it. It was the feeder to my lack of. The transition of moving to this better me for me, started nearly a decade ago, yet the past two years have been like a slow low cloud moving aside and my seeing the blue sky, that was (and is ) there ALL the time. I just couldn’t see it.

I have had serious blips of downward spirals and then the slow rise and clarity and all these moments connect together with the direct outcome either a “bad” thing or good came out of it. Reality was I was creating every outcome. Losing Pete, Grief, losing my home, another baby, abusive relationship, meeting Dave, Losing my job, Winning The Taste, losing the deli and all our savings (everything), travelling, working with Dave, moving to Mallorca, travelling, moving to Scotland, our forever home. All of these can be pinpoint connected to where my thoughts were, are. Bloody amazing.

Not luck, fate. Thoughts.

I am where I am right now, sat on a sofa, looking at The Glen, 360 degrees of highland Scotland, unadulterated joyous, cathartic, healing, mother nature at her teaching best. The sun is shining on my face on a cold crisp wintery day, I am safe and warm inside in our home we bought , we are renovating it. One thing I know for sure is that this hasn’t been achieved because I am lucky, blessed. As a team - husband and wife- we did it. We worked hard at it, we focussed on, we thought and made it happen. The lumps, bumps, crashes along the way is the process. We will have many more.

Life shouldn’t be a smooth ride. It should be uncomfortable, unnerving at times, calm, balanced, uneasy, disjointed, happy, sad, all at once and each in its own time. Life is truly what we choose it to be, if you believe it. Not because you deserve it, not because you are lucky, not because you only get bad luck. Be better at being you first.

My final thought is this. I had said for many years - treat others as you want to treated. Yet this is a dead end statement, if you chose to treat yourself badly through bad choices, bad internal chatter, negativity then why the hell would you want others to treat you like that. We have distorted the actual quote is :

, "Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same."

George Bernard Shaw

Ultimately if your values are not shared with others, the way you want to be treated will not be the way they want to be treated.

So, and this is self script- a prod, a reminder for me to me:

You do you, stop doing what you think others want of you. Stop telling yourself limiting things. Find out the facts, make better choices, give first, be nice first, be kind, use better words, shut up more, listen better to yourself AND others. Show up everytime.

Over and out (1/365) persistent and consistent.